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I posted Chapter 1 way
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Chapter 22
Monday 3rd May
Leigh had no jobs, as it was a bank holiday, and
was in the studio with Netta. Mervyn had come in to complete a large order for
Leigh to deliver the next day when he went to Carlisle. I was finishing the
order as he printed it, even though it meant working closely with Mervyn.
‘Show us yours an’ I’ll show you mine.’
‘I’ve seen more of it than I care to, Mervyn and
I’m not impressed. Mine, on the other hand, will remain hidden.’ But an
audacious idea began to form from his constant demands to see me naked. I was
desperate to impress Leigh, and one way I might do it was by learning to print
his photographs to a high standard.
Mervyn was foul as a man but brilliant in the
darkroom. If I could learn to do what he did, Leigh would value me very highly.
At the back of my mind rose the thought that I might also replace Mervyn and
get him out of Longhouse for good. I shuddered at the thought of what I was
about to propose but steeled myself by imagining Leigh’s delight when I
succeeded. Mum had said that love meant doing what the loved one wants, not what
you want for yourself. It was a sacrifice I would make for Leigh.
I took a deep breath. ‘I’ll make a deal with
you, Mervyn.’
He was all attention.
‘I’d never let you see me in the flesh but, in
exchange for a favour, I might let you have a picture of me, in my bra and
pants.’ I was trimming the excess white borders from prints that had come off
the glazer.
Mervyn had just finished in the darkroom, having
started early so he could go back home for some unspecified purpose. He was
tidying up, ready to leave. ‘Seen all on you any road. Just wanna see it a bit
closer, that’s all.’
‘You most certainly have not!’
‘Have! Seen your twat and your arse and your
little tits. Bigger now. Seen every little bit on you.’
‘Don’t be disgusting. No one has.’
‘Cept your pervert father every time ‘e stuck it
up your spastic sister. Any road, I ‘ave. Seen you swimmin’ in that little
lake.’
I very nearly chopped in two the print I was
trimming. It had never occurred to me that anyone could have watched me
swimming. Blood flushed my whole body and I felt unclean at the thought of his
eyes on me. I wanted to be free of him, wanted to shower myself clean of his
prying eyes on me in that private place. But I recalled Mum’s words and my
ambition for Leigh, bit my lip, swallowed and continued to persuade him.
‘If you do as I ask, you can have a picture.
That must be better than a snatched glimpse from the trees up there with me in
the water.’
‘What you want, then?’
Netta used her body to get round Leigh and I
wondered if I could do the same with Mervyn. I would have to be very careful
not to make him think I was inviting his touch. I shifted my stance and put my
weight on one foot, throwing my hip out and resting my hand there as I had seen
Netta pose. ‘I want to learn to print. Not to do you out of a job, Mervyn. Just
to print some pictures of my own. If you agree, you can teach me using a
picture of me in my underwear.’
He licked his lips lasciviously until I felt sullied
and defiled. But I’d do almost anything to win respect and admiration from
Leigh. It need not take long. Once Mervyn had taught me the basics, I could
learn the rest on my own.
‘Who’s gonna teck the picture?’
‘I’m perfectly capable of taking a self-portrait.
But you must promise to say nothing to Leigh. He mustn’t know anything about
it. Agreed?’
‘No undies. Full frontal. Starkers wi’ your legs
spread wide.’
I glanced at the pictures behind him on the
wall. Some of the women were displaying just their breasts. I wondered; could I
do that?
‘With my bra off, then.’
‘Piss off. All or nowt.’
‘You want a picture of me naked before you’ll
agree?’
‘Full frontal. Twat, tits, everythin’.’
I would feel defiled, abused, reduced and
violated as he showed me how to print, using pictures of my naked body. I
thought about Leigh’s expression of delight when he discovered I could print.
Maybe I would do well enough to get rid of Mervyn from Longhouse forever. But,
more than anything else, Leigh would be proud of me; he would admire my skill
and notice me again.
‘If that’s the price.’
‘Fuck me! You mean it, don’t you?’
‘I want to learn. Leigh says you’re the best
there is.’
‘Fuck me! Legs apart, mind. No ‘iding owt behind
your fingers.’
‘You’ll see everything. Now, promise you won’t
say anything to Leigh?’
‘Yeah. Don’t see why you care, mind.’
‘I care, and that’s reason enough. If you say a
word to Leigh, I’ll tell him how often you swear at me. And you know what he
said about that.’
‘Don’t threaten me, twat. I can keep a promise.
When you gonna do it?’
‘I’ll take the picture later and you can start
by showing me how to develop the film. We’ll have to work together when Leigh’s
out so he won’t know.’
‘Sounds fuckin’ good to me. Have to be in the
dark together.’
‘I’ll make one thing quite clear, Mervyn.
Looking is one thing, but if you so much as touch me, I’ll make sure you’re out
of here forever. Understand?’
‘Keep your fuckin’ tits on. I know ‘ow to
behave.’
‘You’ll do it, then?’
‘Try an’ fuckin’ stop me!’
It was as much as I could take. I left the
prints and him without another word. I could return to finish off when he’d
gone.
On the small landing above the ladder, I paused
to still my breathing and collect my thoughts. My stomach was churning. Leigh
and Netta were no longer in the studio and I guessed they’d gone to the bedroom
to have sex.
I went through the kitchen and found them having
coffee with Ma. In spite of the weather, I left for the garden and stood there
breathing in the cool damp air, letting the rain wash me free of the dirt I’d
let Mervyn plaster on me. It would be worth it, I kept telling myself; worth it
to see Leigh’s delight at my skill. Over and over, I said to myself that Leigh
was worth the sacrifice.
‘Come in, Faith. You’ll catch your death!’ Ma
was at the back door that led from the utility room, squinting out to where I
stood. She waved and I started across the short grass back to the house.
I realized I was soaked to the skin and wondered
how long I’d been out there. Old Hodge shook his head at me as I crossed the
kitchen floor on my way upstairs to dry and change. Leigh and Netta had
returned to the studio.
In the bathroom, I peeled off my wet clothes and
towelled my skin dry. Mervyn’s words assailed me again as he admitted to his
voyeurism at the tarn. And I considered my deal again; to show him a picture of
my naked body in exchange for learning his skill.
Sex and nudity. I seemed unable to escape these
everyday obsessions. I was exposed to them everywhere. I had resolved to
educate myself by reading and by watching films on the idiot’s lantern but my
environment was determined to show me the facts more brutally than the works of
others ever could.
I draped my towel over the heated rail in the
bathroom and left my clothes to drain in the bath as I went across the corridor
change. Again, coincidence, fate, whatever influence was at work, caught me
out. I came face to face with Leigh as he walked the corridor from his bedroom
to the bathroom.
My instinct was to cover myself with my hands but
I brazened it out in this house where flesh was always on display. Though my
mind told me to run, I let my heart slow me and make me saunter, pause at my
door and half turn to face him over my shoulder.
He gazed at me in such a way that blood flushed
through me in a sensation that was as exciting as it was disturbing. Leigh’s
admiring stare, I discovered, was as pleasant as Mervyn’s mental undressing was
vile.
‘My God, you’re lovely, Faith.’
He would have stared at me forever had I not
gone into my room.
I sat on the edge of my bed and tried to make
sense of what was happening around and to me. It was so difficult to know how I
really felt, what I thought, what I wanted, even. Confusion was my chief
experience of life.
From my reading, I recognized something of the
bewilderment suffered by adolescents. Nearing twenty-one, I lacked the
background and experience to understand the changes that effected my behaviour
and affected my moods and thinking. Although the hormonal changes of
adolescence had long been complete, Heacham had stifled my emotional
development and only now was I learning what most women learned in their teens.
Why, I wondered, had I been unembarrassed,
unconcerned even at Leigh viewing my nude body, yet reacted with almost
physical nausea to the mere idea of Mervyn seeing a picture of me naked. Did my
being in love with Leigh make the difference?
‘No point sitting there thinking Leigh’ll see
you and be impressed. You have to pose and flaunt yourself, spread your thighs
and take him inside if you want him to notice you at all.’ Netta broke into my
thoughts. ‘Course, you’re not about to follow my example, are you? Far too
special and choosy to do that. Fine. I don’t care, Fay. The less others have of
him the more there is for me. Ma asked me to tell you lunch is ready, by the
way.’
‘Am I pretty?’ I stood for my sister, determined
to discover the truth.
She assessed me and a wicked smile played on her
lips before she abruptly became serious and looked into my eyes. ‘I could tell
you anything and you’d believe me, wouldn’t you? I hate to admit it, Fay, but
you’re just like all the women in our family, bloody gorgeous.’
‘Is that the truth?’
‘Unfortunately.’ And she was gone.
I thought about her reply. Had she told me the
truth? Was her opinion valid anyway? What would a man think of me? What I
really wanted to know was what Leigh thought about me. And, I realized with a
sudden shock, he had declared that I was lovely. I smiled and pulled some
clothes on. I was not ready to wander about the house half naked like Netta and
Abby and most of Leigh’s other women. Would I ever be ready for such a public
display?
‘Mervyn’s got his eye on you.’ I told Netta in
the kitchen. ‘He was watching you pose for Leigh and he told me he…well, I
can’t repeat his words, but what he said made me shudder.’
‘Ta for the warning, Fay, but I can handle Merv
the perv. Rattles you, though, doesn’t he?’
‘I can’t stand the great lout. He’s foul
mouthed, vulgar and lewd and I believe he’s dangerous. I wouldn’t want to be
alone with him away from the protection of Longhouse.’
‘Trouble with Merv is he’s scared stiff, or more
likely, limp, of women. Likes to look but terrified to touch. Merv’s a classic
peeper, a voyeur. If you were naked at his feet with your legs wide apart, he’d
run the other way. I bet he spies on women whenever he gets the chance.’
‘That’s what I’m always telling her. I hate the
sod’s attitude to women, but he’s a bloody marvellous printer; brilliant. I’m
sure he’d never harm anyone. Like Netta says, he’s a coward at heart.’
I wondered why Leigh and Netta couldn’t see the
mean hatred and lust for revenge that haunted Mervyn’s eyes. I was as certain
of his menace as Leigh was convinced of his harmlessness.
‘What did you do with those wet things when you
took them off, Faith?’ Ma’s sudden question broke into my thoughts.
‘They’re draining in the bath, Ma. I’ll bring
them down when they’ve stopped dripping.’
‘Good lass. Not like Netta. She don’t wear a
lot, but what little there is she spreads over the whole house. If you’re not
careful, young lady, you’ll end up doing your own laundry. And that’ll mean
washing and ironing Leigh’s shirts to the standard he likes.’
Netta gave a meaningful look at Leigh.
‘Ma’s right.’
She was unhappy about that. Ma caught my eye and
grinned at Netta’s obvious discomfiture.
The phone rang in the office. I found Zoë
wanting Leigh. He went straight to the phone, much to Netta’s annoyance.
‘Who’s Zoë?’
‘One of Leigh’s girlfriends; a very attractive
woman who lives in London. He went to college with her.’
Ma nodded. ‘Lovely lass, Zoë. I’d hoped they’d
marry at one time.’ She looked at me. ‘But now there’s someone better for him
right under his nose.’
Netta snorted. ‘Leigh’ll never marry Fay! He
likes big tits and women who love to screw…’
‘I like all breasts. Size isn’t an issue.
Quality is what counts, and Faith has very lovely breasts. In fact, she’s a
very lovely woman all over.’ He’d come back through to speak to Ma.
‘Seen her tits, have you?’
He looked at me and I knew he wouldn’t answer
for fear of offending me.
‘Yes. Leigh’s seen all of me, if you must know.’
Netta was shocked into silence and I exchanged a
knowing glance with Leigh.
‘You okay for another mouth next weekend, Ma?’
‘Zoë coming up for your birthday?’
He nodded.
‘Always welcome, is Zoë.’
He went back into the office, closing the door
behind him.
‘Leigh’s birthday? He never said anything to
me!’
I smiled. For once, I knew something my sister
did not. ‘Leigh’ll be thirty on Sunday.’
A look of calculation crossed her face, making
her appear rather mean for an instant. ‘Is he having a party?’
‘Course he is! I’d not let Leigh’s birthday pass
without celebration. And be warned, young lady, a lot of his previous
girlfriends will be here. He always parts with them on good terms and they’re
usually glad to come back to see him. No one owns our Leigh, so don’t run away
with the idea that he’s yours exclusively.’
‘Whatever made you think that? As long as
there’s enough for me, I don’t care who has a piece of him. His popularity and
the fact that he’s irresistible are part of what makes him attractive.’
‘Mebbie. But will you ever have enough of him?’
‘I always say you can’t have too much of a good
thing.’
‘I just don’t want you making trouble.
Especially not on his birthday. Understood?’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it, Ma.’
But Netta’s eyes made me feel she wasn’t telling
the truth and I wondered what she was scheming.
###
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