It struck me that there are still many people around who don't have ereaders, so I'm posting the story here for those who'd like to read it. It's a bit of silliness wrapped in the celebrations that end one year and begin the next, a light-hearted romance with mildly erotic undertones, written tongue-in-cheek in the hope of entertaining.
Enjoy. (Oh, and if you feel so inclined, I'd love a review, placed anywhere you feel appropriate. Thanks)
And let me take this opportunity to wish all who visit these pages the very best of life for the coming twelve months that we have labelled 2013. Have a great New Year.
But, Baby, It's Cold Outside
For all that it's black as
the proverbial out there, I'm required to venture forth if I'm to retain
credibility in the current lover's eyes. First, there's the unexplained and
ill-defined noise, which I ignore. Then, coincidentally, the light goes out,
provoking a performance worthy of the heroine in those supposedly scary black
and white B movies from the forties.
The failure of the light turns out to be nothing
sinister.
'Just a blown bulb.'
'Replace it, then.'
'Call me an old romantic, but wouldn't firelight
serve us better?'
The response is unprintable and indicates an
unhealthy reliance on artificial light. So, once I've restored adequate
illumination, I'm ordered outside to see what made the noise.
'Me?'
'It's your house.'
'As the woman, shouldn't I stay in the warmth and
safety of my home whilst you, Macho Man, go fight the marauders?'
'Along with the rest of your gender, you claim
equality. You have to deal with the downside as well as the up.'
'So far, I've experienced little up, except the
obvious, and I'm pretty sure that's been as much benefit to you as it has to
me.'
He raises his eyebrows but not my hopes and I know
I'm onto a loser; it doesn't help that my statement wasn't the truth, either. I
wonder, in passing, why him? And then recall his superb taste in clothes and
cars, his delicious and sensual touch, and the generous cut of his wallet,
which has so far afforded me access to three first nights, a private viewing
and the best table at Egon's. I can stand a little misplaced equal opportunity
for the luxury and privilege that are his accessories. Wimpishness isn't the
cause of his reluctance; he sincerely believes equality of the sexes means I
should do whatever he'd be prepared to do on my behalf. Daft, I know; but he is
a man, after all.
Being rural, I ignore strange noises in the night,
examining their cause in full light of day, if at all. He's a townie who puts
up with the shouts of drunks, the screams of distressed women, the whistling of
fools and the constant clatter of traffic past his trendy pied à terre but is
made suspicious by the noise of something falling over outside.
'It's just that old gate I stacked against the
side of the house. The wind's blown it over.'
'Didn't sound like a gate falling over to me.'
'It's pitch bloody black out there. How am I
supposed to see anything?'
'Use a torch.'
'Batteries are flat.'
'Well, we'll open the curtains and turn on all the
lights, assuming they work.'
'They do. Mostly.'
Raised eyebrows indicate his lack of faith but he
accepts. 'Good.'
'And your monster of the night is just going to
hang about out there, awaiting discovery, having received the signal of our
intent?'
'Our?'
'We're conspiring jointly in the process, even if
I'm the active member and you're merely the source of ideas.'
'Mmm.'
I rise, turn on the spot. 'Look at me.'
'Yes, very lovely.'
'You really expect me to venture forth into the
wild night with…?'
'Put something on and stop making excuses.'
I don seductive red satin recently abandoned,
rather than the woollen protection I know is appropriate. It'll be cold out
there. New Year always is. But I won't be gone long and I intend to continue
where we left off after the interruption of the unidentified noise. I suggest
he turns on the downstairs lights, front and back, whilst I plunge into the
frozen void.
'You're not going out there like that on your own,
are you?'
'Are you coming with me?'
'Are you mad?'
I try a simple facial message but it doesn't get
through. Insufficient intimate togetherness yet for such subtlety to connect, I
suppose. 'Exactly how am I supposed to go outside without you, yet not be
alone?'
A pause for consideration. 'Be quick, then. I'll
worry about you.'
'Not enough to accept my plausible explanation.'
He avoids the shrug that his body and my
expectations demand and makes do with a non-committal grunt.
'Not enough to be the gentleman?'
'Equality of opportunity. This is yours.'
'But I don't crave such opportunity. In any case,
I'm not worried by the noise.'
Another grunt; distinctly negative and indicative
that this is the end of the discussion, as far as he's concerned. That much of
his subtlety I have learned.
Outside, it seems even darker than the proverbial
and I wait for light to issue through the curtains he's supposed to be opening.
I wait. And slowly freeze. The darkness remains; unilluminated, unmoving and
unmoved by my presence. I understand I am irrelevant to the void and begin to
wonder if I represent a similar rank of importance to him.
At last, a faint glow signals the start of his
simple task, but at the front of the house. I left by the back door and he saw
me. Is this contrary action merely pique at my rational response to his
irrational fear? Or is it simple idiocy? Hardly the latter. I don't get
involved physically or emotionally with imbeciles. Not deliberately, anyway.
But I wonder why I've become so attached to a man who's beginning to seem
remarkably like a prat. Except, he has his good points. The fact that he's
unjustly wonderful at that most subtle of interpersonal activities adds to the
attraction of his wealth, devastating good looks and multiple connections. I
ponder, for a fraction of a second, whether I might be a tad guilty of
superficiality here but I expunge that unworthy thought and recall the
extraordinary evenings, nights, afternoons and mornings I've experienced since
we met.
The light at the back escapes at last through the
raised kitchen blind and the drawn dining room curtains. I examine the area of
garden I can see and note that the soft cold stuff assaulting me is snow,
augmenting the frost already formed. Nothing moves but flakes of lightness and
the tips of visible vegetation, shaking in the gale. It occurs I've denied any
idea of what I'm supposed to be seeking and a question might afford me re-entry
before I freeze further. I open the back door and call into warmth I'm tempted
to re-enter.
'What sort of noise?'
He is by the fire; I can tell by the distance his
voice has to travel. 'I told you.'
I have no recollection of either being told or, if
I have been told, of the message. 'No, sorry, that doesn't help.'
'Oh! You're useless. There's something out there.
Just see what it is.'
'Well, there's a large area of garden, mostly
immobile and recumbent under a falling blanket of snow, except where it's
sufficiently fragile to be disturbed by the howling gale, of course. There's a
fence, beyond which lie several thousand acres of fields, forests and hills,
dissected by a river, currently out of my field of vision ...'
As I list the inventory, he emerges into the
kitchen.
'Idiot! I mean something moving, something that
shouldn't be there!'
'Ah. An alien? Ghost? Creature of the night,
specified or un? Perhaps a monster from nightmare? A serial killer out for a
midnight stroll? A lynch mob intent on suspending a victim, if not its
credibility?'
'God, you're obtuse. And I'm freezing here with
that door open in my robe...'
'I suggest you shut the door in your robe and give
me a…'
'Look, it was a sharp slithering sort of soft
thudding scraping noise.' And he shuts the door. Not the one in his towelling
robe, but the more substantial wooden portal to the house, before I can ask
from what direction this comprehensive oxymoron of a sound emerged.
Disconsolate at being left out in the cold,
wearing a garment designed to lure the eyes of men to my assets rather than
protect them from frost, and unsocked wellies that barely insulate my feet from
frozen ground, I begin a rapid exploration. Alcohol has lost supremacy by now
and the threat of frostbite dictates I make a simple circuit to rule out any
obvious cause before I return, bold cold and brave, to conquer his residual
concerns with passion, before the night freezes my ardour: I can rest assured
that his will not diminish in the waiting.
The corner of the house allows the gale to swirl
increasing flakes into a small tornado that lifts my scandalous hem and
spatters snow against the skin beneath to melt and slowly slide in wetness down
my legs. But there's nothing in the intervening darkness, between the dim light
at the back and the dimmer light at the front, to suggest a monster might be
lurking at that side of the house. I pass, unmolested, beside the solid brick
barrier to the front garden; neat, hedged and deserted.
Beyond the hawthorn and beech runs the narrow lane
that leads eventually to the hamlet where my nearest neighbours celebrate the
new arrival. And I recall we haven't made the usual ritual this time: I have no
coal or logs, no money, salt or bread to enter with and bring the luck we all
desire. Though, on being questioned, I'll deny any interest in or subjection to
such craven superstition as 'first-footing'. In any case, he's supposed to
perform that particular ritual, as the man.
The front garden is also devoid of alien beasts,
hobgoblins and mass murderers. I lightly skip along the beds of resting
flowers, past the blank front door and across the white blanket that is now the
drive. His red Ferrari, encrusted with a soft layer of white icing, like a
little boy's birthday cake, is exhibited at his insistence for the hungry eyes
of the envious before the garage door, behind which skulks my wheeled
utilitarian box. Fooled by softness, I forget the constant puddle and slip on
the ice it has now become. The robe helpfully lifts so that my naked buttocks
slide along the frozen surface until the stone kerb brings me to a halt with
only a spine-jarring jolt and superficial injury to my fast freezing passionate
parts. I curse the night, rub the offended rump and other bits and struggle
upright, glad no one saw my pratfall and exposure.
The last side of the house, also in darkness, reveals
no sign of monsters but there is evidence of some disturbance in the drifting
snow. Tracks of recent footfalls meander, and the broken gate, which had been
leaning against the house, has fallen onto the path. I right it. But will he
believe I was correct in my original supposition when I give him this solution
to his mystery?
I turn the corner and tumble headlong over a dark
huddled shadow that mumbles. I land against the dustbin, upside-down with my
head buried in a small drift, and moon into the moonless night. An unknown hand
molests my unprotected flesh and then hoists me back to my feet and suddenly I'm
at the back door.
He is there, in gratitude no longer worried by the
door in his robe, which he's removed to reward my bravery with his undiminished
and evident passion. The robe, that is, not the door. Behind me looms the
huddled shadow that caused me to befriend the dustbin.
He cries out in alarm. I turn, ready to attack and
defend.
''Appy New Year, m' dear. Shorry 'bout the clision
back there. Dropped me lump o' coal an' I was tryin' to fine it. Firsht footin'
an' all that.'
It is the redoubtable Miss Fobiter; she of the
three facial hirsute warts and fixed leering grin. I grin back, hopefully
without the leer, and wrap my robe more tightly.
By the time I've turned, he's vanished into
concealing darkness within and I'm left stumbling my thanks to my nearest
neighbour and inviting her in for customary seasonal cheer. The picture of
departing gratitude, flouncing as though no longer quite so pleased with my
solution to his fears, suggests I'll see New Year's Day arrive without his
close company.
'Thought you'd be on your own, like me, don't y'know?'
I wonder whose car she thinks she passed on my
drive and then recall her reputation as a woman resistant to normal consumer
pressures. She probably didn't even notice it, or worse, thinks it's mine.
My neighbour, whose first name she reserves as a
mystery, insists on two full choruses of Auld Langsyne, which I'm powerless to
resist. To my surprise, he returns to join in this ritual, his robe replaced.
She greets him with a cursory assessment that suggests she finds him, because
he's a man, wanting. But she accepts the second glass of cheer he politely
offers. Two hours of pointless chatter pass as the fire slowly settles in the
grate and he grows glassy eyed. At last, she decides it's time she visited
other neighbours. I hold him close about the waist as she departs into the snow
and we close the door on night.
With her departure, my role in his earlier exposure
is recalled and expressed in word and deed, the repelling hand shoving me
unceremoniously back into my armchair.
'If you think you're having your wicked way with
me after letting that dirty old hag see me naked, you've another think coming.'
'I don't think she was interested in you; naked or
otherwise.'
'You should've warned me. I don't like strange
women seeing me undressed.'
I'm being unfair and mighty inaccurate when I
suspect, aloud, he's anxious at being found wanting. He sulks at the unguarded,
unfounded suggestion the alcohol encourages me to make, and I watch him climb
the stairs.
He lingers at the turn on the landing taking all
promise of passion with him. 'A real woman wouldn't take no for an answer.'
Unsure whether this is an invitation or simply
another assault, a reminder of my imperfections, I return to the fire,
unwilling to be seen as coercive and determined to play the part of the injured
party to the bitter end. I place more logs onto the embers, refill my glass
with the last of the Chivas Regal I bought him for Christmas, and stare into
the flames, imaging what might've been and recalling New Years that started
more auspiciously.
Lurking at the back of my mind is the suspicion
that he'll forgive me, once he finds the bed a little wide and cold without my
company. Just to encourage that idea and persuade him of my value, I sneak
outside and bang the metal dustbin lid with the coal shovel. I'm back in front
of the fire, waiting on the hearthrug, by the time he reaches the security and
warmth of me and the blazing logs.
I invite him to open the door in my robe. He does
so willingly but, as I surrender to his delicious demands, I hear the gate fall
over again and await his protest. Oddly, he seems preoccupied and doesn't even
mention the noise, this time. Aahhh.
###
I hope this little piece of seasonal fun has amused you. Please consider
it a gift in appreciation of your time and support.
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