Passages in Men’s Lives, by Gail Sheehy, Reviewed

I bought this book a short while after its publication (1998), when I was suddenly made redundant at the age of 51 and a few days before Xmas 1999. It was clear I faced some fundamental changes in life and the blurb on the cover promised me help at this difficult time. However, I didn’t actually read it. I found a new job, moved house and settled down to a new phase of life, forgetting the book. That, in retrospect, was a mistake. So, why have I extracted it from the shelves now?

In a few days, 13 to be precise, I will spend my last day at the office where I’ve worked, mostly part-time, for the past 13 years. I’m going to retire. It seemed a sensible approach to prepare myself for this major change and the book still appeared a worthwhile resource. I’m glad I read it. As it happens, my retirement, far from being the negative or fearful phase so many men dread, is for me a welcome event; something I’ve looked forward to for a number of years.

But this book, written largely for an America readership, has given this particular Brit insights into other phases of my life and shown me where I’ve made mistakes and where I’ve been more than averagely successful or fortunate in my life choices.

Gail Sheehy breaks down the passage of a man’s life into various stages. I find myself at the penultimate step she describes as the Influential Sixties. Much of what she says is encouraging and, whilst some of the research she relies on has been overtaken by new findings, her observations mostly remain valid. Men are notoriously reluctant to discuss personal aspects of life, unwilling to visit the doctor when ill, more inclined to bulldoze through difficulties than analyse them through discussion, and prepared to suffer great stress and pain rather than admit to some physical failing that might diminish them in the eyes of their peers or their partner.

Had I consulted this book at the time of that redundancy, when 14 of my fellow workers were also abruptly made the victims of poor company results that were entirely outside our control, I might have avoided the 10 years of ME/CFS that have plagued my last years of employment. The loss of self-esteem and reduction in self-confidence that assails a man under the imposed loss of work is not generally understood by those who’ve never experienced it. I know now that my reaction, submerged by the necessity of going out there and finding another means to support my family, was a period of low-level chronic depression. Untreated, because it was largely invisible to everyone, it ate at my auto-immune system and, with the typical onset of a viral infection, I fell prey to that much misunderstood condition of ME/CFS. Had I acknowledged my depression, had I even allowed it to surface enough to be recognised by my amazing and supportive wife, I might have accepted the need for treatment and spared myself the consequences of submerging my feelings and thereby attracting a debilitating illness. This much I have concluded from this book. And I make it clear and plain here for those men who read this review: Don’t do what I did. It’s not wise, it’s not big, it’s not clever and, more importantly, it’s not the best thing you can do for your dependents.

The author has worked in the field for many years, carried out a huge number of interviews, surveys, discussions and studies. Her words make sense. I found solace, gentle condemnation, understanding, hope and the promise of better things to come through the application of her wisdom. That I came to this advice late and therefore lost some positive experiences is secondary to the fact that I feel, now, much better prepared for the coming years. I was already looking forward to this new stage in my life; a chance to spend more quality time with my wife, an opportunity to really get down to the writing I’ve been engaged in only partially for the past thirty years, a return to my love of image making through photography and, perhaps, new for me, drawing and painting.

There’s advice here for the corporate man, the business tycoon, the blue collar worker, the single father, the professional, the creative man and, indeed, any and every type of man. If you’re still under 40, read it now, before you reach that particular watershed. If you’re past that point, read it now, before you waste more time and poorly-directed effort by going in the more destructive direction most men seem to take when faced with unexpected change. I don’t generally read self-improvement books, which are mostly written to improve the bank balance of their authors, but I’m damned glad I read this book. I can truly say that it has improved my prospects for the future.

I was looking forward to retirement, which Gail Sheehy so rightly says should be renamed ‘redirection’, before I picked up her book. But I now face that change with an improved sense of what I might achieve, discover, attempt and enjoy in the coming years. If you’re a man, I urge you to read this fascinating, insightful and wise piece of guidance to help you through those inevitable changes that occur throughout our lives as men. And, if you’re a woman, I urge you to read it so that you may gain a deeper understanding of what drives and influences a man during those Passages in Men’s Lives.

Related articles

• Coping with the Empty(ing) Nest Inquire Within
• The Road to Mastery PLUS A Call for Help

Sylvia L. Ramsey, Interviewed.

Regular visitors will know that I ran a series of interviews on this blog, mostly with indie authors, and that, after 110 of these, I decided to give the series a rest. I haven't changed my mind, yet. But Sylvia's book is an exception because all proceeds are to go to charity and I support such generosity. So, here goes:

Hi Sylvia. I last interviewed you in January 2011, and you'd already published a number of books and had numerous short stories and poems appear in various literary journals. I gather you've a new book coming out. Would you tell us something about it, please?

Hello Stuart.  Yes, I have a new book, Traveling a Rocky Road with Love, Faith and Guts. It is my fourth book,  and it was just released a couple of weeks ago. My newest book is a memoir, Traveling a Rocky Road with Love, Faith and Guts, was inspired by a young man that has some very serious heart problems, and all the people I have met over the years as a teacher, mentor and a bladder cancer survivor. I have tried my best to encourage them, and to give them hope. To not give up on themselves or life. As I have traveled along life’s highway, I keep running into people who have let the rocks that have been thrown in their life’s road giving up on themselves, or life in general. The truth is that life is harsh, and it is not like the movies that give a false impression that it is smooth sailing. Being the hero that toughs it out and keeps on regardless of the situation is difficult, but with faith, it can be accomplished. It often takes a backbone, humor and a wishbone to survive it all.

Because of this, I decided to write a book to share my life’s experiences so that it may inspire someone to come back fighting when life knocks them down. The book is a journey though time from childhood to mature adulthood. The stories and poems in this book reflect the lows and highs of life. The loving memories, the hardships and the things we learn as we travel the road of life. It covers an abusive mother who had mental problems because of being abused as a child, childhood polio, a rocky marriage with a husband who was often abusive, the role of caregiving, death and grief, coping with bladder cancer, asthma, losing a home and more. Therefore, to not to scare you off with gloom and doom, there are funny stories along the way and an ending that I never dreamed would happen. My hope is that the book will bring about understanding to others, and be inspiring to even more. Our journey in life has a purpose, finding it is often the most difficult task of all.

You've had a number of serious problems to cope with in life; one of your supports through all this has been something you call 'faith'. As you know, I have a deep personal distrust of religious faith. Would you describe what you mean by 'faith'?

Regardless of what you believe or do not believe as far as "religious" faith is concerned, you must have faith in yourself that you can somehow overcome the various things that happen in life. Some call it perseverance and determination to not allow these things to conquer your spirit. I try never to use the word can't. I prefer to use the words: I may not know how, but I can learn. I will try, I may not be the absolute best at whatever it is...but I will try to do and be the best that is possible for me. Who knows what your best is unless you keep on trying. Giving up always equals failure. 

We've had similar responses, in one regard, to health issues that have come our way. In your case, research into bladder cancer has benefitted by your active support. I've done what I can for ME/CFS research in my quiet way. What drives you to continue with this support?

I know how important support is from others who have traveled the same road. Bladder cancer is one that has little in spite of the fact that it ranked 5th in prevalence. I have made it a personal goal for the past fifteen years to do my best to change this. When I speak with people who have just been diagnosed, I can hear the fear in their voices. They need someone to talk to that has experienced the same thing. They need someone to be able to talk to about their situation who understands. That was not available when I was diagnosed, or when I had my radical cystcectomy. Therefore, I decided to do what I had been taught as a child by my father: "I may not be able to do everything, but I can do something."

There are many ways in which individuals respond to adversity. Some fight, becoming aggressive and loud, some give up and succumb to whatever ails them, others take up the challenge in a more thoughtful and positive way. What do you think makes you respond so positively to the hardships that life's thrown your way?

I had two of the best role models, one was my father and the other was my grandmother. Another thing was my experience with polio at the age of four, and the time I spent in the hospital in a large ward with about sixteen other children. My bed was across from a little girl who had been in a fire, and her body was burned so badly. She never spoke the entire time I was there. There were only occasional moans. There were so many children there that were much worse off than me, that I could not feel sorry for myself. I wanted to get well and help others even at that time. I heard about the Red Cross and their drive to make people aware of polio. I started by helping to collect money for this cause as soon as I was able. I was one of the poster children. I talk about all this in my book.

So far, we've talked about you as the person. I'd like to know a little more about you as a writer. What made you decide to write, as opposed to any other creative activity?

Actually, writing isn't the only creative activity I indulge in, I also paint and sculpt. I love all the arts, and have participated in them. I directed a theatre program for sixteen years. I taught art and theatre courses. As far as my writing goes, that began when I was nine-years-old. I began writing news and feature articles for a small town newspaper in Southeast Missouri at the age of nine. Because of the nurturing and encouragement by the news editor, I developed a love and a need to write.

By the time I was working on my graduate degree, several of my poems, short stories and feature articles had been published. Since that time, over one hundred of my short stories and poems have found their way into literary magazines. I have been a featured poet in several literary journals over the years.

Do you have a favourite author? If so, who is it and what attracts you to their work?

That is a difficult question to answer because I have favorites in a variety of genre. In poetry, there are three, Frost, Millay, and a poem by Brecht, "To Posterity". Shakespeare's,  "King Lear" is one of my favorite plays. I read a lot of different types of books, and genre...so, it is an answer I do not have.

Do you have any advice for beginners in the field?

Keep writing, get as much feedback as you can get. Write enough to find your own voice. Listen to the feedback you get, but do not lose your voice. It is sometimes like painting, you may paint 60 or even a 100 before you get a good one. 

So many would-be writers have taken advantage of the ready availability of digital self-publishing, without first learning how to actually write. Have you anything to say about the proliferation of badly-written indie books?

I think this is something that comes with the territory of the new era. It can be unfortunate for the readers, and the good authors. Here again, I feel that before one publishes any work one needs some good critiques and to polish their work. 

When writing this particular book, how did you go about the actual process?

I was inspired to write this book because of seeing others give up on themselves, rather than do what was necessary to succeed. I began to write a rough draft lay-out of what I wanted to say, or put in the book. Then I wrote a draft of the book that was fairly brief. Before I continued, I asked a friend who is a professional writer to read it and tell me if I were wasting my time. He knows I respect his opinion, and I know he would be honest in his responses. I had my doubts because writing a memoir is so personal, and I really did not know if it would be something others would want to read. He liked where I was going with the book and encouraged me to continue. He, also, made suggestions that were a great help in how I developed the book. I began writing it once more. He read it again, and offered more suggestions. I did a re-write and added more. At that point, I was ready to get it proofed, and the next step what to make the required corrections. I was ready to make a decision on what to do with it. I weighed my options, and decided that since the proceeds from the book sales were going to the American Bladder Cancer Society plus I would have to market the book anyway to self-publish it.

You can find out more about me and or purchase the book at:

Purchase the book:

In the United States:

http://www.amazon.com/Sylvia-L-Ramsey/e/B002BMJ5NI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326569308&sr=1-

In the UK:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=sr_gnr_aps?rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Asylvia+l.+ramsey&keywords=sylvia+l.+ramsey&ie=UTF8&qid=1331910631

Website:

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/author.asp?authorid=140046

Blog:

http://love-faith-and-guts.blogspot.com/

The American Bladder Cancer Society

https://www.bladdercancersupport.org

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Rabid

Image via Wikipedia

Rabid: adjective – raging, furious, madly violent in nature or behaviour; unreasoning, fanatical; affected with rabies; concerning the nature of rabies.

'When in affected countries, tourists are advised against stroking or touching stray animals in case they are rabid.'

'I was at a meeting the other night and that moronic preacher, you know the one with the loud voice and staring eyes, was spouting his doctrine of intolerance in such rabid terms that everyone left before he'd finished.'

#NaNoWriMo progress, Day 16 = 66278 in total.

The dentist tapped my teeth and elicited only a few howls of pain and protest, but his tests confirmed that my tooth ache was the product of infected sinuses and did not involve the need to drill large holes in the enamel. So, I was spared that particular torture today; a difficult job to drill and fill when the recipient is coughing for Britain. Time and the antibiotics will, I know from past experience, reduce the pain and sensitivity.
So, it was back home and time to add a few more words to the NaNoWriMo total. Two sessions later, with long rests between, have produced an extra 4,194 words to bring the total to 66,278, which is an average of 4,142 per day. So, still on target.
Problems are rearing their heads again for the brave hero and heroine but I've left their romance intact, for now. They have enough trouble without falling out with each other, for the moment. But it won't last. They'll have to face the reality that perfect relationships rarely exist (I include my own relationship with my wonderful wife in the rare category, since our 23 years of marriage have produced not a single cross word between us and we remain blissfully in love with each other).
But poor Isla and Mel have a few issues to deal with and life and society are not exactly helping them out here. I'm having great fun with them and look forward to each day and each new session, when I can make them jump through those hoops that they permit in their own individual ways.
Hope the rest of you doing this challenge are having as much fun as I am.

The picture is another Wordle, this one of Chapter 19, the last completed. Now, there's an illustration of the usefulness of this as a tool. See the way 'just' is highlighted. I know they use the term in their dialogue, but  when I do my editing at the end of the creative run, I'll just have to make sure I just eliminate all those unnecessary 'just's from the text, just in case they make me look daft.

#NaNoWriMo Progress, Day 2 = 6556 words so far

Funny day. I should have been in the office for the morning; it's my half day on Wednesday. But I awoke and, when I got out of bed, almost fell over. I showered and breakfasted as usual but every time I stood up I felt as though I was going to fall over and I had to use the walls to support me as I walked about the house. Even when I was sitting, I felt weirdly dizzy and disorientated. I clearly wasn't safe enough to drive to work and I couldn't walk to and from the bus stop, so I called work and went back to bed. By mid morning I was starting to feel just a little less odd and by midday I was starting to feel a bit more normal. But a short walk to town quickly showed me I was anything but back to normal again.
I managed a writing session late afternoon and did a little over 2,000 words. After the evening meal, I had another go and I've managed to complete 3620 words in total today, so still well on target, with a total of 6556 words, and chapter 3 just started. Let's hope tomorrow greets me with a bit more normality.

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Laboured

Laboured: adjective - used for work; hard worked; cultivated, tilled, ploughed; produced or accomplished using labour; performed with great effort; tediously elaborated or lacking spontaneity, heavy.

'Carol's rendition of the poem was laboured and dull, lacking the emotional element that the words should have conveyed.'

'Barry's breathing was laboured, his eyes closing from the simple effort of drawing in the air, and it wasn't long before the final, ragged breath signalled his death.'

Pic: A farm track in East Yorkshire.

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Ear

Image via Wikipedia

Ear: noun - organ of hearing in all animals; an imagined organ of hearing of the mind or heart; an object like the external ear in appearance, shape, or position; handle of a drinking vessel, bottle; projection on a tool or piece of machinery, serving as support or handle.

‘Prince Charles is often unfairly mocked because his ears stick out, as if this is something over which he has control.’

Writing Continues in Spite of it All

After a day off work, I was determined to do some writing today, as it always improves me spiritually, which has  a positive physical effect as well. So, no writing group tonight (though, I wouldn't have been going even if I were feeling well, as the car has developed a leak in the exhaust so that it sounds like a boy racer's ride at present). I've managed to get another 2000 or so words done today; so I'm please with that.
Also, ordered a new printer to replace the one that will no longer work on this system.
Now, time to take yet another rest, in the hope I will continue to improve health wise. CFS is such a pain.

And another picture for your entertainment. This is the beach at Bridlington, just 8 miles up the road from here.

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Quack

Image via Wikipedia

Quack: noun – someone who pretends medical skill or knowledge; anyone who claims knowledge or skill they do not have; a charlatan; slang for a doctor, physician or surgeon; couch grass; the sound made by a duck; verb – to make a sound like a duck; to practice a pretended skill.

‘That so-called holistic therapist is nothing but a quack, pedalling his hair-brained ideas and robbing the credulous of their hard-earned money.’

‘In the idyllic silence surrounding Robert and Jennifer, making love alfresco, the sudden quack from the pond sent their heightened senses into overdrive so that they burst out laughing and shook so violently that they came simultaneously; a quack, from that day forward, always made them horny.’

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Labial

Image via Wikipedia

Labial: adjective - of or pertaining to the lips; designating sounds that need complete or partial closure of the lips for formation, like the consonants /p/, /b/, /m/, /f/, /v/, /w/, and vowels for which the lips are rounded; associated with, of the nature of, or located on a lip or labium.

'The speech therapist insisted on the proper pronunciation of those labial consonants, emphasising the sound as she spoke each word in turn; "potty, bottom, moron, fatty, vulgar and walrus", though she insisted her chosen words were not related to her portly student.'

'Tenderly toying with her hair and moving in closer, he noted that some strands, close to the opening, were labial.'

By the way, reminder to my UK readers. Today is census day; don't forget to fill in your forms and keep those statisticians out of mischief.

Stuart's Daily Word Spot: Iatrogenic

Image via Wikipedia

Iatrogenic: adjective - a disease or symptom induced unintentionally by a medic's treatment or examination; pertaining to the inducing of disease in this way.

'When Dr Death prescribed a performance enhancing drug for Joanne, her resultant heart attack was described as an iatrogenic event and, in spite of his patient's death, he was found to be not culpable by the board of enquiry.' 

A Bit of Encouragement

Having spent the day with my brother, ripping up carpets and emptying my step-mother's flat, as she is now in residential care, I am somewhat weary. So, here I give you a short piece of unpublished fiction for your entertainment. I'd be interested in your views.

A Bit of Encouragement

‘It’s great. You’ll like it.’

‘Don’t think so.’

‘Scared?’

‘Have to be a bit thick not to be; staring death in the face.’

‘Jeez, it’s only a fag.’

‘Makes you ill and can kill you.’

‘They just say that. Any case; doesn’t happen to everyone. My dad says Winston Churchill smoked all his life and lived till he was a hundred.’

‘Ninety one. Anyway, exceptions are supposed to prove the rule, aren’t they?’

‘Everyone does it.’

‘Josh doesn’t. Kate doesn’t. Sam doesn’t...’

‘Like you said, exceptions prove the rule.’

‘Makes you smell. My dad’s like, he’d never kiss a woman who smoked, even if she was real fit and offered it on a plate.’

‘Your dad said that? Cool.’

‘He’s like, it’d be like kissing an ashtray.’

‘Not if you smoke yourself.’

‘Non-smokers taste different, do they?’

‘Don’t know. Can’t tell.’

‘See, that’s the other thing. Stunts your sense of smell. Nothing tastes like it should.’

‘So, you’re not going to try it?’

‘I’ll try it, if you’ll try something for me.’

‘Yeah. Right. Fair enough.’

‘Up for it, then?’

‘Yeah, whatever.’

‘We go to the cliff edge. I blindfold you and spin you round. You take five steps.’

‘You’re jokin’. That’s like suicide!’

‘Yeah. Right. It is.’

‘What sort of friend would try to get you to kill yourself? I can’t believe you’d do that.’

‘I know. Hard to believe, isn’t it?’

CFS or ME, call it what you will

I've suffered, and that's the right word for it, from CFS/ME for about seven years. It's an odd condition, in that it affects sufferers in different ways. Mind you, with over 180 recognised symptoms, that's hardly surprising. I've had periods of almost complete normality and others when I felt almost as bad as I did at the start, but I am convinced it can be defeated. The medical profession is little help; what they don't understand, they can't treat, of course. Today I awoke with the most common symptoms; utter exhaustion. Fortunately, that was all. But it curtails activity and makes for another less than useful day. Still, tomorrow will be better.